my next 30 years

Isn't that a country song? I have always loved country music, and I'm convinced I'm a country girl at heart, even though I was raised in a suburb on the outskirts of Chicago. Seeing as my 30^th birthday is coming, and, I mean its really coming, can't it just wait.. hold-on-im-not-ready! I guess I thought I would be 20 something forever and all these great things were suppose to happen in your 20's. On one hand there are so many things I thought would have happened by now and on the other hand in reflection its hard to believe so much was packed into there.

     Let's see my 20^th birthday, I was a sophomore at Northern Michigan. That was the year I decided, well my mom highly recommended I major in 'health club' (laugh out loud). I was originally headed into elementary education after one year at a Jr. college near my parents house and one year at NMU. I started working with a private tennis coach at an athletic club to get ready for college tennis and became, well at the time obsessed with fitness. Working out and being healthy was still a huge interest and the idea of standing in a classroom full of kids in reality made me want to run! There you have it, major declared in Health and Fitness, year 20...thank you mom!

     By the end of my sophomore year in college I had sort of got away from being the girl who studied and worked out all the time and went back to old ways of partying my way through life. Did that pretty much all through high school, it was familiar. My 21^st birthday I remember being excited not to have to use a fake id to get into the bar, risk the chance of it getting taken away and missing out. Fast forward a couple years....somehow, I made it through college and maintained a decent GPA. Let me say this about graduation, my family made the trip up north by car to be there, but I really think the main event was getting to see the house I lived at. Fitch Street house was not level at all. I promise you my room was on a downward slope. This is good too.. right out side my bedroom door was a huge HOLE in the floor at least 10 inches all the way around. My room was on the second floor and I just really wish I had a picture of that place because it was incredible.

     The end of Senior year I had prepared to take NASM to be a certified personal trainer. Now living back at my parents I hurried to get certified and get a job. I remember telling the fitness manager at East Lakeview Multiplex during my interview, that I was confident I wanted to be a trainer, had no experience yet and asked her to take a chance on me. Hands down, loved that place! Right around the corner from Wrigley Field and across the street from Lake Michigan. Trained there 3 full years and worked with some of the best people ever!!

     Okay I'm what, 25 now. My super awesome friend and I, who I lived with on Fitch street and played tennis with in college, decided we were going to go after the dream of having our own tennis club. In order to do that it only made sense we would need to learn how to teach tennis first. Ali had heard of a place in Tyler TX that had a program for that! I got it in my head that I was moving to Texas and couldn't wait to get there. We had been planning this for a couple years, and talked about it often during our days on Fitch. She was back in her home town in CO. Months before it was time to leave I got myself in a huge mess of trouble. Driving drunk, ran into an undercover cop car and spent the night in jail. Yeah, not a joke. As I laid there curled in a ball shaking, sick, cold, mickey mouse t shirt on, sweat pants, no contacts, can't see (pretty much drowning in a pool of my own sin), I remember thinking this is really bad over and over. That, and I heard someone say one time God was the closest in times like this..when He felt really far and you really needed Him the most. I don't know why but I kept thinking those two thoughts all night. Mom and Dad came to get me the next morning and all I was worried about was...did I mess up that bad I'm not going to make it to TX!? I also wondered what kind of condition my lil silver slug bug was in. Not to mention the feeling of being a failure lingered as it had come and gone growing up.

     Finally I had everything taken care of and court stuff cleared. I had to ride a bike half that year because my license was suspended until my lawyer got my driving privileges back somehow. The purple huffy from target was pretty awesome, just saying! I was hesitant to go back out to clubs after all that but got back into it and celebrated the send off down south. Upon arriving in Tyler I realized this is NOT what I expected my big adventure in Texas to look like. First of all the plan was one year.. get my tennis teaching certificate, meet a cowboy and move on to a tennis and fitness club on the beach. Brighter Days Beach Club is what I called it.

Going to bed now. I'm looking forward to reflecting on the next 5 years. I left out a lot, its just amazing to me to see everything come together. Honestly, I'm thankful to be alive looking through all that. I have met so many cool people and can't count the moments and events that have shaped my life. Makes me laugh because it was so out of character that I really packed up my car and drove to TX. It wasn't that wild, my dad drove and we had every form and kind of map you can think of. Dad had his brief case of course with the checklist on the yellow note pad out the whole time. The first two weeks here it rained pretty much every day. It rained so much it seemed like Texas was a tropical state. People seemed to move slower in everything they did. My fast paced, busy life had to slow down.

     Lets see, my 26^th birthday. Ali was unable to return from a quick trip home to visit family, she hurt her shoulder and couldn't play tennis for a while. I was involved in a relationship at the time and my boyfriend hyped up my birthday present saying it was pink, silver, small, and I was going to love it so much I would call my mom and have to tell her about it right away. Well I went to the mail that day and got my first present saying that there was a warrant out for my arrest, my license plates were no longer valid and my drivers license was no good either. Something had not gone through right with the court system and the paper that said I was released from everything didn't get where it was suppose to be. It looked like I was just not appearing on my final court date. So I had this huge mess and no clue what I was going to do. Opened the second present.. the small pink shiny silver thing, it was a bible. Yeah, Happy Birthday right!?

     I had gotten a job training at the gym in town. Premier Fitness. I thought these people were sorta strange. They prayed before trainer meetings, yoga was not taught there because of their beliefs, and I encountered peers that seemed to not just talk about Jesus, but talk to him...like he would talk back. My boyfriend got me to church a couple times. That took some major convincing because I thought I lived my life on purpose and in faith. I fought the invitation even though he told me there were a lot of nice people there who wanted to meet me. I was baptized as a baby and had read the Purpose Driven Life in college and surly I'm not that bad of a person. I thought I'm all good...right? I wanted to go but I had a lot of questions (go figure :P my favorite question as a kid...why?). I also felt scared, dirty, all kinds of ugly emotions. So yeah, I had a huge interest in attending church growing up but things were different now. My life was way messed up, I was way messed up, and I had no business being in someplace holy.

     About a year later the relationship was not going well, stuff was still not straightened out back home and I needed help. I was encouraged by a client to reach out to a friend. Well, I didn't have any friends I could talk to here. There was one girl that seemed sort of cool I had met in sunday school, the couple times I went. I had her phone number somehow. So I called her up. Told her my boyfriend and I had broken up and she told me, I will never forget this... “It's ok, well hang out, we'll go to this conference this weekend and I'll be there and Jesus will be there and its going to be ok”. I hung up the phone and was thinking to myself oh my god more jesus talk I can't handle this!

     Kori was and is still one of my best friends. She loved me right where I was at, and not going to lie she told me exactly what I didn't want to hear but needed to, often! By the time I was 27 I had learned about forgiveness of my past and surrendering my future. I had wanted to do good and live right. It was too good to be true that Jesus was going to rescue me from the mess I had created and make me into a new creation. Really, my past was forgiven and I was set free. Me, still extremely not perfect was accepted and loved by God. I was free to worship and live a life for Jesus. I mean I needed help, and someone to do something about my broken heart. I kept hearing that was the perfect kind of thing that God would want to do.

     I have been seeking and running after God since then. There has been a fair share of junk that I have walked out following the mountain top of receiving Christ's unconditional love. Stuff doesn't seem to stop coming up either. Deliverance and breaking free'er (pretty sure that's not a word, but it should be) are so worth it though... He walks through it with me. God is for me, full of love and compassion. He is there. He has always been there and always will be. No one is like you God! Now if that truth could get rooted deeper into my soul, what would that look like? There is a verse in the bible I really love, that talks about how no one can measure the depths of His understanding. So whatever it is...he understands.

     This just came to mind, it was at sales training from multiplex days I heard this, anyway....that people often times work out to avoid pain. Like to prevent injury, rehab an injury, compensate for over-eating, to feel better about themselves. We don't like pain. Just an hour ago I found out something that defiantly opened up an old wound. My immediate reaction is ,no, not going there and I'll deal with it later. Shove the anger and bitterness down a little deeper, its so much easier than confronting it. Forgiveness, I don't how..what does that even look like? People hurt us (especially the ones we love the most), our bad choices hurt us, loss hurts us. So could it be that we block God out of those places in our hearts that are wounded so we don't have to feel pain? Block out anything that might possibly hurt us, our has hurt us to avoid pain? If our hearts are blocked how can we fully love and receive love? An open heart to Gods light really is a beautiful thing, especially in super dark places. Some stuff that happens to us we have no control over, some we do. One thing remains, we can trust God. Trust with ALL your heart don't depend on your own understanding seek His will in ALL you do and He will show you which path to take. That verse from the book of Proverbs was the first bit of truth that really got rooted into my messy heart. He will love us in the most painful places, if we let him. Just a thought.

     I love living in the truth, and I can't stop saying love...love love love :) It still blows my mind that I happened to work at a faith based fitness center. I'm so grateful Cune and Michelle (the owners of Premier Fitness) follow the Lord and live their faith out loud. Training at Premier has defiantly impacted my life! One of the first things Cune said to me was something about the Lord knows the plans he has for my life. Plans to prosper not to harm plans for a hope and a future.

     Let's see, God is so faithful. My goal when I came here was to get certified by the USPTA to teach tennis. That is a huge deal for me because growing up I always looked up to my tennis coaches and now I am one. April of this year I passed the nerve racking two day testing process and its official I'm a USPTA tennis professional. Fitness is still a huge deal for me and I can't imagine my life without it. The most important thing in my life now is Jesus, if you haven't picked up on that already. :) He rescued me, saved me, took my shame, redeemed me, forgave me, leads me, holds me, heals me, helps me, gives me joy and hope when all else is gone. I did nothing to earn or deserve that you see. I confessed I'm a sinner, died to my old ways and received a new life. The one that He died for on the cross.

     There are some things that are stirring in my heart that I'm excited about, and excited to see what the Lord does. It's gona be wild, its gona be great, its gona be full of Him (love that song). I'm still here, and IM GOING TO BE 30, ok ok jk.. I think I'm coming to grips with that and might start to embrace it, maybe. I do know this...I NEED GOD, and He's not done with me yet :) So my next thirty years, I'm not sure what they they look like...but pretty sure they will include brighter days.